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01 September 2011 @ 01:08 pm
Fic: As I Love You  
Title: As I Love You
Pairing: Amy Pond/River Song, implied Doctor/Rory
Rating: Very, very adult
Summary: The fifth time River came to Amy, everything was different.
Warnings: Extreme/severe power play, BDSM, mind play, blood kink, spoilers for Let's Kill Hitler
A/N: In my head, Amy is apparently one twisted little monkey. She is not taking what's been happening lately (or what writing has reduced her to) well at all. This is quite dark, no fluff at all, and features very different sides of both Amy and River that are in no way expressed in the show. I'd classify it dub-con if River weren't consenting. I basically just let it run. Be careful.

The fifth time River came to Amy, everything was different.

"Don't you dare touch me, you crazed psychopath."


"You heard me, Mels."

River saw the look in Amy's eyes and sighed. "Nineteen thirty-eight in Germany just happened, didn't it."

Amy folded her arms across her middle and nodded.

"You know so much about me."

"You lied to me."

"How have I?"

"You said you've only known me like this. Like now. As an adult." Amy fidgeted slightly. "But we grew up together."

River sighed. "Amy, regeneration...regeneration is odd. You remember Mels much more clearly than I remember her. And she's me."

"I don't understand. Explain."

River sighed again, wishing she could simply reach out and touch Amy, fold her into a tight embrace and just make her understand. But any tactile contact now would drive her away. "Do you remember your life with your aunt?"

"Yes." Amy frowned. "No. Wait. I do, but..."

"That's what it is for me."

"Really?" Amy was trying to hang onto life with her aunt, but finding it very hard to grasp in the face of her mother and father. She still knew that there was a part of her that would always be orphan Amy, but was she still there, really?

"It's part of me, but it's hard to recall. Even if I try. And I have had a long time to try."

"How old are you now, Melody?"

River closed her eyes. "What good would it do, mother?"

"I want to know."

"I defy time as the Doctor does thanks to my manipulator. He's over 900 years old."


"I can tell you 1938 was many years ago for me."

"That doesn't tell me anything."

"I ask you once more. What good would it do you to know how old I am?"

River's measured words stopped Amy's reply. The answer would clearly hurt, upset, or terrify her. Or...who knew? Either way, River wouldn't keep it from her without reason. "It wouldn't."

"I have only known you in this incarnation as you are now. River Song has only known you just as you are now." River tilted her head slightly, trying to meet Amy's gaze.

Amy looked up. "River Song..."

"Hopefully still your River," she said softly.

"The Doctor named you. You are the Doctor's."

"Must I always belong to one person forever? All of time and space to play with, and one silly man with a bowtie must make it all go round?" River crossed her arms, since Amy was still closed off to her. "I gave enough of my life to him. I was his pet psychopath, remember?"

Amy shuddered and looked down at her shoes again.

River frowned. Please let me hold you, my love. "I ran free after that. I've belonged to others. Because I wanted to. But who did I spend so much of my young time with?"

Amy frowned. "Me and Rory."

"And even if it's a far-off dream now, can't it mean something to me, this me, now?"

"You can feel anything you want."

"Everything I've said to you, Amy, I've meant it. All of it. The waiting. The burning. The dying to know you. The aching to be with you. And you know I don't write us. I don't have a guide, I don't have a map. So I missed 1938 in your timeline, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for that."

"Are you really? Are you really sorry, River? Or were you just playing me for a fool?"

Tears began to prick at River's eyes. "How could I do that to you?"

"You tell me, you're the one they raised to be a psychopath. A killer. And yet you claim to love me, and you do as you will with me."

"I do what I think you want me to do..."

"But why? What's in it for you besides the orgasms?"

The tears overflowed. "I love you."

"Of course you do. You're my daughter."

"I love you as a lover. As a partner. I can't help it. I love you and everything about you, Amelia Jessica Pond. I'm not Melody. I haven't been Melody for longer than you can imagine. Because if I were Melody, I couldn't have done anything about the rush I felt for the beautiful redhead, my childhood friend, once I'd changed and everything was different."

"You don't make sense, River." Amy sat down on the floor. It was easier than trying to think all this through and stand at the same time.

River tried to keep back actual sobs, but let the tears flow. "I was trained never to love. Not anyone. Not even my absentee parents, because they weren't there and I didn't need them." She knelt, still keeping a respectful distance from Amy. "I have never loved you as a daughter does a mother. I don't know what that is, and I'm sorry."

Amy shook her head in disbelief.

"Through my trained hate for the Doctor I learned to love him. Through growing up in the Mels body with you and Rory, I learned how to be an actual human." River wiped her tears away, feeling them slow and then stop.

"Did you fancy me then?" Amy's tone was curt, almost accusatory.

"No. I knew what I was told, that you two were my parents and I should stick close, make friends, that sort of thing, because the Doctor would come for you. It wasn't until I changed into this body that I...became aware of many things. Including what sexual attraction was."

"And you fancied me."

"Immediately. I wanted you badly."

"The Doctor?"

"Oh yes, but I'd spent my life fetishizing him. How could I not?"


"My love...if humans marked by scent, he'd have a ten-foot aura of you emanating from him."

Amy wasn't quite sure how to parse or handle that, so she kept quiet and mulled it over.

"I rather find that I enjoy Time Lord males...well, one in particular...and human females, as it happens. I simply have preferences."

"How many other women have you been with before me?"

"What good would it do you to know?"

"I just...I want to know."

"You know you're not the first. Isn't that really all you need?"

"Will I be the last?"


"You don't write us. You write everyone else, don't you? You don't write us because you want to forget when this is over." Amy looked up and glared at River. "I knew it. I'm just your toy, your fool, tossed aside and forgotten when the next conquest waves her arse in your dir--"

"I WILL WRITE US!" River shouted. She coughed and went on. "If you want to be in my little blue book, my love, my darling Amy, I will put you there. In detail. But you are so much more than words on a page. And allowing myself to write you allows me to..." She ducked her head.

"What? Allows you to what?"

"Forget the smaller details." River looked up. "And I can't lose a second of you. Not one second, not one movement, not one breath. If I can't keep the sweetest thing I've ever known, I fear I may spiral back into insanity."

Amy suddenly couldn't remember how to breathe.

"Loving you as I do is pain, sweetie," River whispered. "But it's the pain that helps keep me myself. Not just River, but your River. Who I want to be."

"The Doctor?" Amy's voice was barely audible.

"A time to every purpose, as the song goes," replied River. "That time is not now."

"Your world revolves around a man in a bowtie."

"I am your River. Right now my world revolves around you, my love. Yours just happens to revolve around the man in a bowtie."

Amy sighed. "It's too complicated."

"I liked it simple."

"Was it ever simple?"

"Yes. Yes, it was. There was a time when you would look at me and my heart would melt."

"I burned. Everything inside me burned for you."

"Everything inside me still burns for you."

"How can we, now? How?"

"In the moment. As always."

"Just the moment?"

"And what we feel."

Amy was silent for a long moment. Then, "Tell me what you feel."

"My arms hurt."

"Well, why?"

"They've been wanting to hold you since I saw you, but haven't been allowed."

Amy sighed, then fell the few feet into River's arms. "Better?"

River pulled her close. "God, yes. I love how you feel. And how you smell. How you fit just so."

"I don't fit. Your body is smaller than mine."

"Tell me your head doesn't belong here, right on my shoulder," said River, stroking Amy's hair. "And my arms are the perfect length to wrap around you."


"Your lower half is awkward, but you're rather made of gorgeous legs, my darling, and I can find no fault."

Amy laughed slightly. "You and the rest of the world."

"May I kiss you, my love?" River's voice dropped so low it was barely audible.

Amy blushed. "I don't know..."

"If I could take back even one percent of the things I've done in my life...even one percent of the wrongs I've done you, my sweet Amy..."

"What do you mean?"

"Has to be lived."

"How many times are you going to break my heart now that you've made me love you?"

River looked away.

"And do you love me just because I'm your mother and I'll never leave you?"

River sighed and slumped. "I have no mother. Just DNA and an idea, Amy. You have all the memories. I have nothing. And I don't want them."

Amy stiffened in River's arms. "Why not?"

"Because I love this. I was supposed to do one thing and I chose another. I love that. I love you more than I could ever say. I was never supposed to love anyone. I was never supposed to truly feel, and yet I do. You are my obsession, my fantasy, the air I breathe." River looked back at her. "Someone like me doesn't deserve someone like you, yet you let me love you as my precious, wonderful, sweet Amy, not as some fairytale concept of mother."

"I'm not a fairytale type of girl anyway."

"You are my fairytale, Amy. You are my happy ending. If only you'll concede to being so. My most desperate wish."

"You don't sound like the woman that just stripped down an entire Nazi banquet and then wasted all her regenerations on a madman with a box and a bowtie."

"I'm not her. She was so much younger, so much more rash, and she had no idea what she wanted."


"It was standing in the back, off to the side, all the time."

"How will we end, River?"

River looked away sharply. "I will never write that."

"But you must know."

"And if I don't?"

"Then why are you doing this?"

River turned back to Amy. "I am a stupid, impulsive, rash human who rebelled against her training, and I fall in love. Is that all right? And I don't know. I won't write it when I do. It won't be how I wish to remember you."

"When did you fall in love?"

"When did you?"

"The Byzantium."

"The first time you met me, really?" River smiled, almost shyly.

"You were just so...and then he made you hug me. And then you held me as I was dying, and blind, and you teleported me..."

"And held you longer. It wasn't the first time I met you. I had already fallen deeply."

"Some things make sense now."

"I tried to keep my hands off you. And I did keep my lips off you."

"If that was success, I wonder what failure would have been."

"Let me show you, my love. Let me show you." The need in River's voice was clear.

Amy sighed. "I'm so scared of you, River. I'm scared of you now."

"I've gotten rid of her," said River. "I know you loved Melody Pond, but she is gone. She was a trained, brainwashed killer, and I got rid of her in the name of the man I love...and the woman I love."

"So you do love him."

"Time changes a person. And some of us may love more than one at a time. Haven't you ever, with Rory?"

"Fun and games, yes. Been trying to rope Bowtie in for ages. But...love? No."

"My heart bursts with it. I can't explain. But there's only one whose bed I'm interested in right now. Only one I wish to show my love to in every way I know how. No bowties are involved."

Amy closed her eyes briefly. "You're a brainwashed psychopath, and I've been committing adultery with my own child."

"I got rid of her, and I've been assisting in adultery with my own mother. It may not be as bad, but we're both going to Hell if there is one," said River. "Having already experienced a certain species' idea of Hell, if you recall, you'll notice I don't particularly care."

"It looked horrible."

"I would submit to ten times the pain if it meant I could spend the time beforehand loving you," said River.

"Why do you talk like this?" Amy was flustered.

"Because I don't know how to make you understand how much I love you," said River desperately. "How long I've waited and burned. You had to know who I was before I could move. Tell me I'm wrong."

Amy shook her head. "The lying would have been even worse."

"And so I had to keep track of all the timelines so that at least if you rejected me you would know me for who I mostly was, Amy. I'm so sorry you didn't know about all of it. I forget exact measurements sometimes."

Amy sighed. "I just don't feel like this is real anymore."

"Please let me kiss you." River's plea was deep, soft, almost a purr.

Amy closed her eyes in defeat. "Yes."

River claimed her lover's lips, strong and sure. Amy's body softened in her arms instantly, and River tightened her hold. The kiss was slow, languorous, and deliberately left them both wanting more.

"Why did we do this?" Amy whispered.

"Because we've never needed anyone as much as we need each other."

"What if our boys knew?"

"I don't know. I don't care, either. I don't want them to know but neither do I care if they do."

"I'm so scared."

"Do you love me, Amy?"


"Please say it again. Say it to me again."

"I love you, River. I can't help it."

River kissed her again, more roughly this time, the need growing harder to hide. "Damnit, Amy, no one else has ever done this to me."

"Not even the Doctor?"

"No. And I will protect this by any means necessary, my love. You're too precious to me."

"I outlive you, don't I?"

"Amy, by all the stars in the Fifth Galaxy, use that gorgeous kissogram mouth for something other than horrid questions, please."

"Can we get off the floor?"

"You brought it here."

Amy thought for a moment. "Yes. Stay here."

"As you wish."

"What about Rory?"

"What about him?" River's response wasn't flippant, it was an honest question.

"I wonder if he would."

"I would if you both wanted, but honestly, I don't think he'd feel the same."


River shook her head. "He loves you, Amy. Sharing you for fun is one thing. Letting another love you...and it's me."

Amy sighed. "But you would. If I wanted."

"I will do anything but lose you." River couldn't help but shiver as she said the words. That sentence was extremely dangerous for both of them.

"But why?" Amy's words were a cry, her arms winding around River's neck. "I don't understand!"

"I don't either," growled River, hugging Amy close. "I just feel. Can't I just feel?"

Amy turned her face into River's and managed to smash her lips against her lover's, trying not to cry as she sought passion and the ease of the desperate ache in her heart. Lose ourselves in the moment...we are the moment, we are just this moment...

River tried to pull back, make it a little gentler and less awkward, but Amy's tongue wanted in, Amy's heart was beating so quickly, Amy's arms wouldn't move. River closed her eyes and opened her mouth, letting Amy take over and do as she would. She ran her free hand up and down Amy's legs softly, since the other arm was still holding the redhead up in her lap.

Amy wanted River on her own terms, just once. River had initiated their relationship, River always came to Amy, and somehow it felt like yet more choices were being taken from her. Amy knew that was irrational, that River would never remove the freedom of choice from what they did, but damnit, everyone else in her life was! She released her chokehold on River's neck, then shoved her backwards.

River fell, surprised, but remembered to untense just before her back hit the floor. "Amy?"

"You said you're mine."

"I am yours."

"Prove it." Amy got up then straddled River, sitting on her stomach and roughly grabbing both her wrists.

River gazed up at her. "Tell me how and I will."

"I'm so tired of being everyone's little toy."

"I would be, too."

"I feel like a doll expected to play a two-dee part now."

"I remember that."

"I am not a prop for the psychopathic games of my child and raggedy Doctor!" She clenched her fists, and felt River try to twist her wrists against the painful grip.

"I was too young and stupid to know what I was doing," said River. Hurt me if it helps, my love. I've learned to love pain for its own sake.

"And worst of all, I am a prop against the budding romance of my husband and the Doctor."

River turned her head to the side and looked away.

"Don't think I don't see it. Is that why you turned to me? Because they will turn to each other?" Amy's hiss held bitter betrayal.

River's head shot back to center and she stared into Amy's eyes, her breath picking up. "No!"

"I don't believe you."

River bit her lip and tried to calm her breathing. "Anything either of them does or will do has no effect on what I feel for you or why I came to you. At all. Think of anything that either of them could do with each other, alone, or to either of us. Whatever happens, and you know I can't tell you, it has no bearing on us."

Amy's mouth tightened. "What do you mean, to either of us?"

"I'm trying to be vague because of spoilers!"

Amy shoved River's wrists far above her head, stretching the shorter woman's arms painfully. "Everything you say is a double-edged sword. I'm in love with a silver-tongued psychopath."

River bit her lip harder. "I'm in love with the most wonderful person I've ever known."

"God, you and your words. You've probably had centuries to practice the pickup lines."

"I needed pickup lines for him. I can't fool you so easily."

"What do you mean?"

"You demand my truth. And worse, I need to give you as much of it as I possibly can." River shifted against Amy's hold. She could easily reverse it and get out of it, but she didn't dare. Amy needed the control, and it felt wonderful to submit.

"Why is that so bad?"

"Because of the timelines. There is so much I wish I could tell you, my love. But you have to live it."

"I have to keep being a prop."

"Past regrets and old wounds. All I can do now is bleed for my love, any way she wishes me to."

"So I'm your saviour."

"No. I can't expect to be forgiven, ever. Not for any of it. Stormcage was a pittance. My true sentence, I found out, was to fall in love with the one who, more than any other, should rightfully want to kill me."

"Silver tongue. Tell me more."

"Oh, Amy. I've already said too much."

"How did we get here from our first time?"

"It had to do with a blue police box."

"I miss when it was simpler."

"That was the best night of my life."


"I can't make you believe anything, Amy."

"In your life, what am I a prop for?"


"Liar." Amy dug her nails into River's wrists and felt her gasp.

"If anything, you prop up my sanity, sweetie."


"Time travel does it."

"I'm just your anchor."

"You're my fixed point in the blinding cyclone of time. I need you, Amy. I need you. I love you and I need you. I've never needed anyone before."

"You needed us to save your life."

"As an incident. There are times when I need people to do things. But I need you, simply. However you are, if I can't have you, or don't have you, there's an ache in my chest that threatens to stop my life sometimes."

Amy smirked. "Such words out of you."

River closed her eyes. "My will is yours, my love. I've had so long to change. You wanted me to change, remember? I have tried to become your River."

"Mine and only mine."

"Yes. Completely yours. Your plaything. I defy time and space in the hope you'll only kiss me."

Amy laughed, a bitter sound. "The mighty war criminal River Song, my toy?"

"Your toy, your prop. Desperate only to be loved by you. I've tried so hard to show you."

"My love is that important to you."

"It means everything to me, Amy. My darling, wonderful Amy."

"You'll suffer for it."

"Infinitely more than I already do if only I know my reward waits."

"Do you suffer now?"

"You are with me...I burn for your touch, but it's not the same. If you threw me aside but allowed me to stay, it'd be the same."

"Being away from me is suffering, then."

"Every moment is endless torture."

Amy kissed her roughly and quickly, not allowing for any sensuality.

River whimpered, keeping her eyes closed.

"If that's all I choose to give?"

"Thank you, my love." River tried not to squirm underneath Amy. The denial was driving her insane, and her desire to show Amy what power she truly had was slipping River herself into true submissiveness, a place she hadn't been in a very long time. River loved all permutations of power play, but dropping all her shields and letting go was reserved only for the rarest of lovers. Only right, then.

"And you'll be happy with that."

"I must be. I'm yours."

"Are you really happy with just that?"


"You'd love me to fuck your brains out, is what you mean."

River whimpered again. "Please..."

"Or maybe you'd like to fuck me."

"All of it. Anything you want. Please..."

"Tell me what you want."

River opened her eyes and looked up at Amy. "Take me here on the floor like I can see you want to, or have me do anything you wish to you, just please play with your poor, desperate toy, my love. Do anything, say anything, I'll do as you wish, just please don't deny me."

Amy smiled, but it was a sinister expression. "You beg beautifully."

"If only it works, I'll do it every time." River couldn't stop her body moving under Amy's anymore. "Does it work? Please say it works."

"I have to say I love this sight...you helpless and crying for me underneath me," said Amy. "It's powerful."

"No one has this power over me except you...no one ever has." River licked her lips. God, please touch me, Amy.

"Oh, do you want a kiss, poor little thing?"


"I don't think so."

River moaned in despair.

Amy pushed herself up from River's stomach to an all-fours position, trapping River's thighs between her ankles. "Why should I give in to you?"

"Because I need you." River tried to arch her hips and found that she couldn't anymore, Amy had her. Not hard, of course, but River knew she had to stay pinned. "Please touch me, Amy. I'm losing it..."

"Not a good enough reason." Amy let go of River's wrist long enough to drag a fingertip across those adorably begging lips, but immediately flashed back to her former position when River responded to her touch.

"I wore a dress," said River. "Like you asked."

"I asked two times ago," said Amy. "Last time, you didn't."

"I...that was out of sequence, I didn't mean to..." River couldn't find a way to recover from that one and her mind spiraled down.

"This is why you shouldn't deceive those you claim to love with time travel."

"I do love you!" River cried. "I'm trying, I can't always be perfect. I'm not a perfect toy, I'm sorry, my love!"

Amy took pity on her and kissed her gently.

River sobbed against Amy's lips, having fully slipped into her fragile, submissive headspace. This was why she'd never let just anyone take control.

Amy pulled River's wrists back down to an easier position, but still maintained her very firm grip. "You are a very pretty toy, River."

River tried to stifle her crying. "Am I pretty enough for you?"

"Always. Even wrecked as you are."

"Will you still have me?"

"We'll see." Amy could tell they were now in River's mental minefield, but she wasn't going to give up her power or control. Not here. Not now. "If I like you well enough, I may take you back."

River tried her best to blink the tears out of her eyes. "I love you, Amy."

Amy sighed internally. There was only one answer she could give. "As I love you, River."

River smiled with relief. "I am yours, my love. I am always yours."

"What would I want with a wrecked, imperfect toy?"

"Anything you wish." River rocked her hips slightly against Amy's hold. "Anything I can give you. Ask me to give you anything."

"Or I could hold you against your desire and watch you suffer."

River bit her lip. "I would suffer only for you."

"No one else."

"Not worth it. Only you. Let me give you everything."

Amy let go of one of River's wrists and carefully pushed up her skirt. No knickers. Naturally. Oh, River. "I see it wasn't that hard."

River kept her hand exactly where it had been put. "You didn't like how long it took in the jungle. I wanted you to be happy this time."

Amy moved back to her former position. "But I may not even go near it now."

"As you wish, as you command," said River, trying to keep her torso still but failing, her hips sliding out of Amy's leg grip. "But please, please touch me, Amy. Anywhere."

Amy lowered herself onto River, letting her full weight settle even as her lover still bucked against her. "You can't even keep still. Why would I give in to you?"

River sighed happily. "Because you're too kind to me even when my body needs yours so badly it can't obey like you want."

"Yes, I see that. You have no control when it comes to me."

"You have it all. I can't have any anymore. You're too much for me, Amy..."

"Funny how you're the only one who seems to think so. I'm scenery everywhere else."

"They're all young and know not what they do."

"Not the Doctor."

"He doesn't realize how wonderful you truly are."

"And you do?"

"I only try to show you what I think, my love."

"And you would suffer for it?"

"May I show you?"

Amy liked that. "I would love to watch you burn for me, pretty little thing." She wouldn't give River the satisfaction of being claimed yet. She couldn't stop Rory from falling for the Doctor, and she couldn't stop the Doctor from using her as a cardboard stand-in. But she could watch River's desire burn and see how deep it went. She knew River must love her to give her this gift; surely only one or two beings in the entire universe, if any, had ever seen this side of her. Not just the coy plaything begging to be used, but the bewildered and lost lover dying to be reclaimed.

"Only tell me how you want me, my love, and I'll show you." River gazed up at Amy, trusting that her reward would eventually come.

"You come with me," said Amy, getting up off River and the floor.

River jumped to her feet. Amy stepped behind her and pulled both of River's wrists behind her back, holding them in place. River shivered happily.

"Up the stairs," said Amy. "Slowly." She kept the grip tight, since River really seemed to appreciate being restrained by her.

River climbed the stairs obediently, letting Amy steer her to the master bedroom. She wasn't sure what she'd be dealing with, but she was determined to suffer anything for her reward.

"Sit on the bed," said Amy, giving her a slight push towards it.

River sat down, keeping her wrists crossed behind her back where Amy had put them, and watched as the redhead went into the closet and rummaged for goodness only knew what.

Amy pulled out a pair of handcuffs, the straight metal ones she had at least five pairs of to go with her old police kissogram outfit. "There you are, what'd you go and hide for," she admonished them. She looked at River, who was gazing at her hopefully, arms still behind her. "Stretch out on the bed, go ahead, and lift your arms."

River did exactly as she was told, favouring the far side of the bed, hoping this meant Amy would join her.

Amy crossed to the bed and clicked the cuffs around River's wrists and the headboard, adding an extra loop to give her almost no room to move. "Now I don't need to waste my time holding you down."

"I'm sorry I wasn't better for you," said River, trying her bonds immediately and shifting to a position that she could stay in for a long time if necessary. "I couldn't help myself."

"Mm, yes, I'm sure. But now you can do nothing." Amy removed her wristwatch and set it on the nightstand. Her necklace followed shortly thereafter.

River followed her every move avidly.

Amy took her hair down from its messy updo, shaking it out slowly. "Do you know what I'm doing, River?"

"You're taking off jewelry and letting your hair down...your beautiful hair..." River tried to shut up the needy whimper that snuck in with her speech at the end.

"And you can do nothing." Amy toyed with the neckline of her jumper. "Wouldn't you like me to take this off, too?"

"Oh, please!"

"Maybe I will, maybe I won't." Amy sat down on the bed, then kicked off her boots so she could put her feet up and recline. "Maybe I'll just lie next to you like this."

River struggled against her cuffs. "Please let me touch you, my love. Please."

Amy turned towards her, a mild look on her face. "You can do nothing. Except burn for me."

River bit her lip hard, and clenched her fists. "Thank you, my love..."

Amy tossed her hair back over her shoulder and toyed with the waistband of her skirt absently. "Bet you'd love to get your hands on this."

River moaned and crossed her legs as hard as she could. She knew the game now. She couldn't try to reach for Amy in any way. She would have to suffer, and do it well enough to be rewarded.

"There's going to be a wet spot on my side of the bed tonight, isn't there?"

"I'm sorry..."

"Maybe you should have worn knickers."

"They'd be useless by now...oh Amy..." River twisted in her cuffs, watching the look on Amy's face change to one of slight satisfaction.

"You're going to rub yourself raw on those," Amy said, enjoying the struggle.

"If it pleases you," said River.

"Perhaps it does." Amy pulled off her jumper in one quick motion and threw it across River's legs.

River cried out from the unexpected contact, but tried to use her legs to get the jumper close to her face.

Amy laughed. "Poor thing. Does it smell nice?"

"I hope it smells like you," panted River, "which is gorgeous."

Amy leaned over and picked up the jumper, balling it up then sliding it under River's head. "There you go. See, I'm nice."

"You're wonderful," said River, nuzzling into the soft cloth immediately. "Oh, my love..." She sighed happily.

"So pathetic. Happy with just scraps."

"Anything you give is better than the alternative," said River.

Amy leaned back and stretched lazily, letting River see her bare torso and thin bra covering her breasts. "How do you find me?"

"Absolutely beautiful."

"Wouldn't you love to touch me?"

River whimpered and yanked at her cuffs. "Please, my love. Please!"

"But you can do nothing."

River hung her head and nuzzled back into the jumper. "Amy, my love, you're killing me."

"The fire's only begun to burn, I think."

"The fire's been raging for years!"

"Poor desperate little toy. I thought you wanted to prove yourself."

"I do, I do, Amy, please...tell me..."

"You can do nothing. It's glorious to watch you. You're dying for just a second of me and yet I won't let you have any."

River moaned in desperation and fought against her bonds.

"Suffer for me, sweetie."

River cried out at her familiar epithet being used against her, and slammed against her cuffs. "Amy, please, if I can't touch you then take me! Take me, please!"

"Oh, wouldn't you just love that?" Amy laughed again, still the same sinister sound. "Wouldn't you just love for me to put my hands on you again, my lips?" She unhooked her bra, then removed it. "But that would be too easy." She began fondling one of her breasts. "Watching you cry to be with me turns me on. Powerful, strong River Song, chained to my bed and begging for just a touch."

River licked her lips. "Will you destroy me, my love?"

"You'll destroy yourself fighting your lust." Amy's other hand slipped beneath her waistband. "Oh, poor little River, suffering for what she claims to love..."

River whimpered. "No, Amy, please...I want to do that..."

"But you can do nothing."

River accidentally let a sob escape her, twisting her legs up underneath her. She didn't dare stop watching.

Amy let go of her breast and pushed her skirt down, kicking it off and on the floor. "Hmm. Tights can be dreadfully annoying, don't you agree?"

"Let me take them off..."

"I bet you'd love to. But I don't think so." Amy hooked her thumbs under the elastic and slid both tights and knickers off in the same motion.

River moaned. "You're so beautiful, my love."

"I know," said Amy, lying back again and turning on her side towards River. "You think so, anyway."

A fresh round of rattling ensued as River tried to free herself and couldn't.

"God yes, this turns me on." Amy slipped her hand between her legs and let her eyes roll back in her head. "Can't you see?"

River started to cry, both from the ache between her own legs and the dire need to touch Amy. "Yes, my love...please let me..."

"Is that all you want? To touch me?" Amy kept rubbing herself, rolling to her back and seemingly ignoring River, although she was trying not to come quite so quickly. "To be doing this instead of watching me?"

"More than anything, my love!" River was trying to keep her eyesight clear to watch, but the tears kept coming. She yanked desperately on her cuffs. "Please, please, please..."

Amy's breathing quickened. "Keep begging."

"Amy, my love, please let me touch you, please don't do this, please, I'm burning up, I need to touch you, please!" River cried and begged, the tears rolling down her face and disappearing into the jumper. She could feel that the skin on her wrists had broken open in some places. "Please let me go, let me touch you, my love, please..."

Amy listened for the note in River's voice that would signal too far. Her lover could still be truly broken, she knew that. And even knowing everything she knew, Amy loved her too much to do such a thing. But it wasn't there. Not yet. She let herself orgasm.

River screamed in agony, thrashing against her cuffs. Her skin gave up, and she felt the blood start to well. I said I'd bleed for you, my love...look at me now. "Amy, my love, why..."

Amy rolled her head to the side and studied the pathetic, fully-clothed figure still desperately tugging at her bonds. "I wanted to see you suffer." She noticed the blood beginning to run down River's forearms. "And you are beautiful in suffering."

River closed her eyes and kept sobbing. "Am I beautiful enough for you?"

"Oh yes, I think so." Amy let two fingers trail along River's lips, the ones she'd been using on herself just a moment ago.

River stayed as still as she could, opening her eyes to catch Amy's with a silent plea.

"Go on," said Amy lazily.

River let her breath out and sucked Amy's fingers in instantly, her sobs quickly replaced by much happier noises.

Amy closed her eyes and relished the feel of River's tongue. "Silly plaything."

River nodded slightly, unwilling to release her prize to answer.

Amy caught a rivulet of blood that was about to hit her jumper with a free finger, then before she quite knew what she was doing, sucked the blood away quickly. "Hm. Odd. Not terrible." What is wrong with me, seriously? She pulled her fingers out of River's quite unwilling mouth with a pop. "Did you like that?"

"I loved it," said River. "I love anything you'll give me."

"You did suffer so beautifully."

"Let me do it again. Anything for you, my love."

"I have a different idea in mind. Lie on your back."

River shifted position to obey.

Amy pushed River's skirt up again. "Let's see how long you can hold out against me."

River whimpered. "I can't, love...I can't..."

"The longer you do, the better your reward may be."

River let her head fall back. "I'm yours, my love, do as you will."

Amy laughed and began lapping at River's swollen folds. She'd been denied for so long, and her desire for Amy was patently obvious. I bet if I stop just short of long enough, I'll drive her to the edge of sanity again.

This was a different kind of suffering, and River knew she couldn't let go. But Amy knew her body almost perfectly because she'd been shown the way, and River knew she would be sobbing with need again before they were done. Every spasm of pleasure racked her with the pain of not giving in, forcing her to slam against the cuffs. She had to be the perfect toy for Amy, to earn back what she'd lost as a stupid kid. And she knew she'd have to do this again, and again, and again, every time her past misdeeds came back to hurt the one she truly loved. But River Song never gave up on what she wanted. And she would never give up on what she loved.

Amy played with River lazily. First the tongue, then a few strokes of the fingertips, then maybe perhaps a quick swipe of clit or teasing at her entrance, but oh there she goes again with the struggling and trying not to buck into it, back off... Amy knew exactly how to drive River to the absolute brink, and she would do it. She would hold the edge. She was no one's cardboard prop.

River focused on only one thing: not losing it. Not orgasming, not falling out of sanity, staying with Amy and letting herself be used. Not even the pain of her new wounds and the steel grinding against them could help jar her out of the haze of pleasure at finally being touched. She had to fight to stay, had to earn her lover back. This wasn't love, this was therapy. Amy's therapy. And she'd see it through to the end, every time.


The voice that answered sounded exhausted, far away, defeated. "Yes, my love?"

"Tell me what you feel."

"My arms hurt."

"Why is that?"

"Because I can't hold you..."

Amy sighed. "What are you, River?"

"Hopefully still yours."

"If I choose to claim you."

"Only you could. I am yours, Amy."

"Prove it."

"Tell me how, my love."

"Come for me."

"Oh, please say it again..."

"Come for me, River."

River let go, her anguished scream reverberating throughout the house. Her body went limp. "Thank you...my darling..."

Amy shook her head sadly and pulled out the handcuff key, moving up the bed so she could drape the lifeless arms around her neck once she'd freed them.

"Did I do well?" River's voice was small, scared.

"You were beautiful, my sweet River," said Amy.

"Yours again?"

"You were always mine." Amy scooted down the bed again so she could wrap River in both her arms and the duvet, blood and wet spots be damned.

"You said..."

"Rule number one: your Amy lies." Amy kissed River's forehead. "Especially when she's hurt."

River smiled, content to lie in Amy's arms and come down from where she'd been. "My Amy. My love."

"Yes. Always yes." Amy pulled River's hands gently down to her waist so she could keep them in a less stressing position. She saw the angry, bleeding marks on her lover's wrists. "Should we bandage those?"

"No, please don't leave me," said River, a trace of fear in her voice.

"I wouldn't, my love." Amy pulled her fingers gently through River's tangled curls. "I'm staying here. I'm right here."

River let herself float in the mental darkness, trusting that Amy would bring her to the surface again. She had no choice, it would be extremely damaging if she didn't, or had to make herself surface. Another reason she never truly let go with anyone else...the lack of trust. She began to shiver uncontrollably.

Amy pulled the duvet tighter and began to sing softly, some silly throwaway song she'd heard on the radio and managed to remember. River held onto her as if she were drowning. "Come back to me, my love," said Amy soothingly. "Come back to me, my darling River. Come back now."

River floated towards the voice as things grew lighter. "Come back to me, my darling River." The voice she lived for, the voice she loved above all others. She grew warmer and her shivering stopped.

"That's right, my love," Amy singsonged. "I'm right here, come back to me. I love you, River. I'm right here."

"I love you, River." River smiled, she was almost home. "As I love you, Amy."

"There's that smile. There's my River." Amy smiled back.

River blinked, and her gaze seemed to clear. "Hello, love."

Amy hugged her fiercely.

"Thank you," whispered River.

"For what?"

"Letting me love you."

"You're awful."

"More than you know."

"At least I'm no angel either."

"You wouldn't be so perfect if you were."

"I want you to stay here and sleep with me."

"Anything you wish."

"Because you're mine."

"Always yours."

"And I am yours. I can't help it."

"I love you, Amy."

"As I love you, River."
serene_ms_s: pic#112691183serene_ms_s on September 2nd, 2011 06:58 am (UTC)
What a wonderful piece, which deals with the very twisted relationship (in oh so many ways) between my favourite red head and her daughter.

You really have explored the darkness, desire and confusion that is at the heart of their relationship.
Mr. Dr. Grumpy Mister, M.D. aka the Twelfth Doctor: Chibi Amy/River love!kwanboa on September 6th, 2011 03:18 am (UTC)
I love writing them fluffy, but I also think they truly are just very dark, especially now.

Good thing River's a strong, kinky gal and can take anything Amy dishes out.
tauredhiel07tauredhiel07 on April 4th, 2013 03:19 am (UTC)
Lovely exploration of the darkness in their relationship. I sometimes get frustrated with the show because the Ponds are all portrayed as somehow remarkably normal after everything they've been through. Part of the reason why I took to writing Doctor Who fic.

Also, River being topped? Thank you for that visual. That was brilliantly done.